i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
