What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
