There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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