My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
