How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
