Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
