I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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