I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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