You can't special order awesome
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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