i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The cops high fived after they tackled you
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
