Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
