You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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