and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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