Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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