I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
