i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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