I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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