we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Randomize
