well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
