So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
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