i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you didnt know i had herpes?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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