So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Bring me that man meat
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
