so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I am available for nakedness
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
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