Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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