just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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