There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
