He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
