I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
