Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
