on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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