Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Even my vagina gasped.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
