I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
