Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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