I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
