he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
