I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize