literally had 100 drinks last night.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
