Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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