i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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