I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
