first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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