My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
