I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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