Don't make out with my wife yet
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
