I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
