dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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