His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
