My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
