You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Michael Bay diarrhea
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
