it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
