My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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