I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
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