I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
