There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Vodka?
Forever.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
