How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
