Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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