in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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