someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
