What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize